The Suicide Dress

**Trigger Warning: Eating Disorders, Suicidal ideation. If you are feeling triggered please call your local suicide hotline. I remember the evening I bought the dress, it was 2013 and I was thumbing through a sale rack killing time before a psychology appointment and halfheartedly looking for new work clothes. I had just lost even more...

Story Time…

*Trigger Warning* Anorexia, Suicide, Self Harm, Dissociation It’s so much easier to judge ourselves than to judge others, for some reason everybody seems to hold themselves to a higher standard than others. But we’re all human, we all make mistakes and thank goodness for that or we’d never learn and grow as a people. Next...

Out Loud

I’m getting frustrated with parts of us,Recovery from trauma is a slow process, I understand that but We have been in therapy 5 years, longer actually because we had a different therapist before this one an I think we saw her for a couple of years too. I know We loved her but unfortunately I...

Mirror, Mirror

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the ugliest of them all? I have written about this subject before, probably several times in various ways, but I will bore you all again anyway because, well, it's my blog and I can do what I want 😉 So, I was thinking about mirrors again this morning, they...

Feather

Sometimes night leaves you with nothing but an urge to burst from your skin. Darkness encompasses everything around you and all that’s left to do is run your fingers along your increasingly protruding bones and write words in your mind over and over until you go crazy or finally succumb and relinquish them to paper...

Surgery Tomorrow

I’ve been sitting on a chair at the hospital provided apartment we are staying at in Sydney half watching Netflix and flicking through photos on my phone. Hubby is snoring on the couch next to me, it’s been a long day. We had the pre op appointment today, we met some of the rather gigantic...

Lonely Hollow

“Four children? I don’t believe it. You look 25 and look at that flat stomach, how could you possibly have carried four children? What’s your secret?” It was meant as a compliment, but it eats into my heart like dreams of forbidden food. In response I make the same weary joke I’ve made 5 times...

Old Baggage, New Bag

I’d be lying if I told you I hadn’t googled “does an ileostomy cause weight loss” before googling how the procedure to divert my partially digested foods into an external bag actually works; and I’m embarrassed to say how disappointed I was with the answer to my search... Currently I’m frightened to eat the healthy...

Anorexia loves Cancer

There is a whole lot of frustration in being told you’re dying of cancer yet still being randomly bombarded by that pesky old Eating Disorder - I mean intellectually, what the hell does it matter if we eat cake? We’ll be dead soon anyway! Yet to that the eating disorder reminds you that at the...

Lovers, Not Fighters

Things have spiralled so quickly. There are a lot of wonderful, kind doctors and nurses in my world talking with each other at the moment and trying to make things happen quickly for me but they keep forgetting to tell me what their plans are and this week is turning into an uncontrollable trigger-fest. Thursday...