The Moods of the Sea

There’s something magical about the moods of the sea. Calm waves gently lapping on the shore, bringing forth tiny secrets from the vast depths that lay behind them. Little shells line the beach marking the edge of yesterday’s tide, once homes to the critters hiding below, they now live their second life on land, perhaps...

Many Hats

Tell no one of your storyTell no one of your woesTell no one of your secretsTell no one where you go.I have 100 hats for the 100 people in my head,the ones I don't remember and the ones I still regret.Together we told our stories, walked the walk and placed our bets.They held me up,...

Tomorrow

I’ve been burning down invisible bridges,setting my heart on fire.Hiding in the shadows of a memory,collecting my fading scars Maybe the worlds still turning,leaving me in its wake.Maybe time is still passing, while I keep on raising the stakes. What if I lose who I never was,to become who I could never have been?What if...

Cancer Update

Tomorrow morning we have our first set of CT scans since starting chemo. We’ve had 5 of 12 rounds of the chemo combo known as “folfiri” which is a combination of fluorouracil, irinotecan and folinic acid, we get this via IV infusion every two weeks with a bottle pump attachment thingy to take home that...

The Suicide Dress

**Trigger Warning: Eating Disorders, Suicidal ideation. If you are feeling triggered please call your local suicide hotline. I remember the evening I bought the dress, it was 2013 and I was thumbing through a sale rack killing time before a psychology appointment and halfheartedly looking for new work clothes. I had just lost even more...

Peritonectomy

It’s been a big week, crazy week in fact and the short version is that I finally have a date for the peritonectomy surgery and it’s next week. Tuesday next week. Sunday night we head to Sydney ready for the pre op appointment on Monday morning then Tuesday is D day. This op is big,...

Old Baggage, New Bag

I’d be lying if I told you I hadn’t googled “does an ileostomy cause weight loss” before googling how the procedure to divert my partially digested foods into an external bag actually works; and I’m embarrassed to say how disappointed I was with the answer to my search... Currently I’m frightened to eat the healthy...

Anorexia loves Cancer

There is a whole lot of frustration in being told you’re dying of cancer yet still being randomly bombarded by that pesky old Eating Disorder - I mean intellectually, what the hell does it matter if we eat cake? We’ll be dead soon anyway! Yet to that the eating disorder reminds you that at the...

Embers

It’s odd lying here staring at the ceiling unsure if it’s the last night you’ll ever spend in this room, in this house. The threat of the fire has been lingering for months now, but this is the first time I’ve actively started planning what to take. The fire predicted spread map puts it square...

Ashes to Ashes

The nation is on fire, coastal towns and country villages decimated. Homes, jobs and lives lost to the flames, the disaster is far from over and the aftermath is an unfathomable problem that feels too far in the future to start thinking about. It’s a hard time to be depressed, it’s also a hard time...